The Price of Sanity
by Mkatsi
Summary: Spike's soul turns out to be conditional, as Angel's was, and when he accidental breaks the condition he must deal with the consequences. Spike/Buffy, Spike/Faith and eventually some Spike/Angel


The price of sanity

Author: Mkatsi

Rating: PG

Pairings: Spike/Buffy mentioned, Spike/Faith and some Spike/Angel towards the end

Feedback: Yes Please

Disclaimer: The boy's aint mine.

Distribution: Please ask and let me know where it's going.

Written: 6 years ago at least :S eep! I had forgotten about this one

Summary: Spike's soul turned out to have a condition just as Angel's did and when he breaks that, he begins to spiral.

Spike sighed, all he was trying to do was watch what was the one single pleasure in his life at that time, Passions, and there was some rather inconsiderate buggers causing a hell of a commotion just outside, he tried to ignore it but the thin stone walls of his crypt didn't offer up much in the way of insulation, he sighed again, louder this time, it was verging on a growl, he pushed himself up from the battered brown chair and in the same movement grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels from the table beside him, after all he may need an immediate weapon, but, he thought to himself, it was really more likely that whatever it was that was making all the noise was going to lead to him wanting to get really, really, drunk.

Spike stalked over to the door and flung it open, he barley had time for his eyes to widen in surprise as someone's heavy frame hit him and sent him flying across the cold floor he landed with a grunt the other man landing with him, Spike threw him off immediately, sending him sliding towards the door, Spike howled in pain throwing his head into his hands as sharp pain coursed through his brain, "bloody humans" he vocalised as he flipped onto his feet, blood gushing from his nose after the impact of the man against his head and the force of the static shock that followed, he wiped it away with the back of his hand as he began to descend on the seemingly unconscious intruder, he reached to pull the guy up but before he could do so the man, who had apparently been 'playing dead' made a kick at the vampires head and jumped up into fighting stance sending Spike careering backwards, the stream of abuse the from the vamp was interrupted by the mans assailant who totally ignored the presence of Spike and resumed beating the other. "Bloody Hell" Spike bellowed, this anger and frustration present in the little outburst was such that the two men stopped fighting to look at him, it was an almost comical scene both attackers looking Spikes way as if they had only just noticed he was there, still holding their positions, one with his fist curled around the others t shirt ready to strike, Spike however, was too pissed to notice the farcical situation "What the hell do you think you are doing? You come into my home you nearly destroy my property you damn near broke my nose, I have a very large headache and" he said to finish "you spilled my drink" he looked to the smashed JD bottle with lament "give me one good reason why I shouldn't rip your throats out" with this he let his face change his eyes flashed yellow and his fangs glistened, after all a threat was always more terrifying than the action, he just prayed they would notice the emptiness in the threat, if he carried it through Spike knew that it wouldn't be their blood on the wall it would be his, and a large quantity of his brain he shouldn't wonder either, he shook off this thought and concentrated on scaring the bejeebers out of the trespassers. The two men rose slowly each letting the other go with a jerk and slowly stepped a few trembling steps their eyes turned to Spikes the whole time until they could no longer see his face and then they ran like stink. Spike chuckled to himself and then laughed out loud, he soon stopped as the convulsions it caused through his body made his head hurt more than it already did, again Spike looked at the wasted whisky and frowned, he growled and turned back to the TV "great I missed the end, well that will annoy me forever…I wonder if Clem has it on tape…" Spike muttered to himself as he flicked off the set, he caught his lack-of-reflection in the now black screen, the blood from his nose which had covered his chin and mouth had mostly dried and his left eye was blackening rapidly "it's a bloody nuisance not having have those dammed reflections" he thought as he touched he poked a probing finger at his eye, he winced at the pain "it's a wonder I manage to get the blood off, I spent so much of my life with blood on my hands, and face, and clothes….that I don't even notice its there anymore" for the third time in the hour Spike sighed, he was a changed man now, he knew that but he missed the blood, he missed the thrill of the hunt, the carnage, the fight, the feeling of _human_ blood, of life, flowing from an open vein it made him feel so alive, something he had not felt since he came to Sunnydale, sure there were brief moments, golden moments in time when she had smiled at him and the world had stopped and he was flying, but that was over his whole Buffy phase was over, that's what he tried to tell himself anyway, "move on" she said, but how could he when she was the only person he'd ever….but it didn't matter, he'd got used to never being happy, he quelled his aches with drink and bad movies, and cigarettes and bars and clubs and disagreeable company, whatever he thought could find comfort in he had tried, they had all worked for a while but it all came back to the fact that he was suppressing things, feelings he knew only too well he didn't have the rights or the means to keep them down for long. He'd gone past the point of wanting Buffy long ago now it was just the urge to be with her, near her, to be able to protect her and make sure she was happy but she'd cut him out of her life a long time ago, back when they were…but he couldn't think of that, only the words she said to him echoing around his head…

"Its over"

Truer words were never spoken; at that point Spike's life as he knew it was over, he knew what she was thinking, he had always been able to tell, she never wanted to see him again, ever.

Spike closed his eyes and dug his palms into his sockets before letting them drop and shaking himself out of the mood, he had to get out of here he wanted booze and some company and his tab at 'Willies' was perfect for the job, he cleaned the blood from his face and changed his stained t-shirt for a red silk shirt and grabbing his duster as he left he stalked out into the night.

Spike didn't get as far a Willies, a new club had opened not far from the cemetery and he wanted to check it out 'Impulse' didn't sound to bad a place and the beat of the music drifting into the street sounded easy enough to get lost in. Once inside the vampire looked around every piece of furniture was silver, neon lights flashed wildly and the guys behind the bar were the kinds that could flip a mixer in the air do an entire magic show and then catch the mixer again on the downfall, the kind that are too busy doing tricks to get to know their customers, or maybe, Spike thought, "they spend so much their lives practicing their tricks they don't understand basic conversation."

"They'd better do whisky here; I don't wanna have to be reduced to drinking a pineapple bloody spritser twist with a lime chaser" Spike thought allowed he jumped as someone coming in behind him leaned into his hearing range and shouted over the music "sounds good I'd love one" a hand touched the vampire's shoulder and moved round his body and the stranger walked into Spike's view he watched the girl suspiciously as she came to face him she smiled defiantly "hello handsome" Spike started "have we met?" he asked "what you don't remember me?" retorted the girl with mock hurt. The girl was shorter than Spike, around 5'4 her hair was brunette and short, real short, and spiked, her lip and eye brow were pierced, she had a good figure, petite and curvy and she obviously knew how to flaunt it, she was wearing a plain red vest, that was slashed here and there, she had tight black leather trousers and spiked heal boots, but Spike still did not recognise her, she spoke again "hey the new club is sweet right?" she commented looking round, as she did so Spike noticed something, the slashes on her shirt were real, and were repeated on her torso, she was bleeding, or had been, at that point the smell hit Spike, the club was so crowded he never would have known if he hadn't seen the blood but now he knew and the scent was in his head and…wait, he knew the smell that distinctive power and sweet edge

_slayer_

Spike grabbed the girls arm, and spun her to face him "Faith" he confirmed "took your time about it" said the girl "yeah well you look different" the vampire sighing Faith started to make a sarcastic comment but Spike cut her off his head couldn't deal with this right now "look is there something you wanted cos' I had plans to get drunk" "What a girl cant get her kicks and catch up with old friends at the same time" Spike laughed, he really wouldn't call the second slayer and himself friends "you and me pet? I think you're memory is a little screwed somewhere, now if you don't mind…" "oh now, now" teased the brunette "we fought side by side had some laughs, some good times and some real good times" the girl came close to Spike and looked up at him coyly as she wound her hands around him "and I get the brush off?" she moved them down his spine, towards his ass, Spike grabbed Faiths hands and shoved her backwards, he hissed as his chip went off but stepped back keeping his guard up "whoa, someone's edgy" laughed Faith "you cant just come here and expect…" "What? Its not like we haven't got down and dirty before big bad" "would you just shut up and piss off already, forget it ever happened" "and would _you_ just live a little, come on Spike, just dance with me I'm so board, you'd have thought the hell-mouth would see more action I've only been here two weeks and-" "live a little? You seem to have forgotten the biggest problem with that sentence" he retorted viciously "you know what I mean, Spike, come on I don't know anyone here" "nor do I but that's the way I like it pet so-" "its not healthy to drink alone" Spike was far from worried about his health but he did need a drink so he stalked over to the bar with Faith in close pursuit.

"Whisky" growled the vampire at the nearest bartender "two. Large" "would you like…" but Spike didn't let the man finish "No" he snapped, and was served the shots quickly he took them and handed one to Faith "here".

One hour later and an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and one ridiculously fruity drink and Spike was beginning to forget his headache. Faith laughed wildly and staggered over to sit on Spike's lap "dance with me" she pleaded "come on" "noo" the vamp moaned "Whisky now" "no, no Dance now" cried Faith pulling Spike to his feet by the lapels off his duster and dragging him to the dance floor, they began to dance, Faith still holding Spike's collar they twisted and turned around each other laughing, the music stopped briefly as the track changed to a slower song Faith pulled Spike to her and forced him to look at her, she laughed again, she leaned forward, their eyes still locked, Spike chuckled too. He felt so free, for the first time since…he was having a good time, he knew it was the whisky talking but that lip ring looked so alluring, so he did it, he let go, he pulled it into his mouth and bit down, that was it, all either of them needed, they were lost, Faith pulled close to Spike and opened her mouth to allow him entry, her hands were in his hair gripping as they kissed fervently, suddenly Spike opened his eyes, he looked Faith and pulled back franticly, Faith looked at the peroxide blonde questioningly Spike good back aghast, "What" Faith asked, Spike just shook his head in disbelief, he turned away stumbling as he did so and began to leave, Faith grabbed his arm and forced min back round "Hey! What the hell is this?" Spike looked at her, not really registering she was there, panic in his eyes again he tuned to go, he ran this time, tripping over his own feet but regaining balance, Faith caught him again outside the club, she tried to make him look at her as he turned this time his eyes flashed, the demon let loose, he growled, Faith let him go and stepped quickly back she frowned angrily "whatever, just… whatever" she spitted out as she turned to leave and stalked down the street.

Spike's mind was a whirlpool he couldn't make sense of what had happened, he remembered getting drunk and then he was kissing her, her Faith, he'd done it before yeah but this was, it was different, it had been so long since he'd kissed anyone and longer since he'd had contact with any of the Scoobies, he'd tried to forget them so hard and now it was all flooding back, creeping into his mind, everything, mostly the part he had most wanted to forget, that day, he'd gotten so drunk, then he'd gone to _her,_ she must love him right? He'd tried to convince her tired to make her believe and then he'd…it made him sick to think about it, and then the trials and those days alone in the school basement not knowing reality from his own twisted version, everything haunting him…and he'd promised himself…it was too much.

Spike got to his crypt his eyes wide and hysterical, he looked around not even recognising where he was, he threw himself into a corner, he hugged his legs to his chest and shuddered violently, his face switched back and forth between human and demon frequently waves of nausea and sharp pains shooting through his skull.

What….is….happening

I…..didn't…mean…it...

PLEASE

_2 years ago…_

"You have completed the trails"

"Yeah, and my prize?"

"You are sure?"

"Yes. Hell yes, I want to give Buffy what she deserves"

"Then it is done, betray it and you will reap the consequences"

"I would never betray herrrruuraghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…"

_Present day_

I….didn't betray her….please….it was only…..

Again pains shot trough Spikes limp frame, he was bleeding from his left ear, tears of blood streamed down his face, as another jolt was sent surging through Spikes veins he doubled over and was sick. He hadn't planned on this, it had been so long he had almost forgotten, he had assumed that if he was a real man and had a soul then she would love him, she would have to and the double edge to Spike's soul would be made redundant, but she hadn't even taken him back, he knew that he had scared her that night, it had scared_ him_, and thinking about it, Spike could understand totally why she wouldn't see him any more but the thing he couldn't understand, why hadn't she killed him, that was the way it was supposed to go, slayer kill vamp, but that never happened, he had been left alone to deal with having a soul, there were so many things about it he couldn't understand, he thought love hurt before, but now, now he couldn't even begin to explain how much not seeing her every day made him hurt, the soul had been both a blessing and a curse, now Spike had a soul he felt maybe one day there could be a chance, yet he knew if he ever betrayed the reason for him getting that soul, if he ever betrayed her he would find a whole new meaning to the word pain, which he had redefined since he had fallen in love with the slayer.

Why now? Why this? He'd been with countless people since then, girls, boys, demons, humans whatever, just to help forget the pain, so he'd kissed Faith yeah but that was it "NO!" he told himself "that wasn't just it that was huge, he had allowed himself to give in and give up, even for a second, for that brief moment he'd forgotten her and he deserved to suffer for it." Spike couldn't die from this curse, that he knew but he would feel it, be plagued by this torment and torture until she forgave him, "if she wouldn't even speak to him how could she, how could he ask to anyway after what he did…if she did forgive him, she was a fool" At this more waves of pain and nausea attacked his nervous system and he passed out hunched up on the cold stone floor.

Just another night in the Summer's household, everyone was gathered for a general meeting of the Scoobies, Buffy and Giles stood up talking strategy, Dawn was seated on the sofa, a long arm around her shoulder from a boy with dark spiky hair, he was about 18 and wore baggy jeans with a hole in the knee and a simple vest to show off his recently acquired muscles, Dax, he was Dawn's boyfriend of about a year now, circling the living room other couples were sat, Willow and Tara, Anya and Xander who had made up and married 6 months before, everything was much the same as it had always been.

"Giles don't tell me you still want to lecture me on the proper angles for efficient staking…"

"I'm only saying if you tried I'm sure"

Willow interrupted this conversation, none of them wanted to listen to that row again they all knew that it either ended with Giles getting a dead arm or with Buffy making herself a chocolate and cheese and anchovy sandwich neither of which were great to watch.

"Lets head to the bronze, its dead round here, excuse the pun, we haven't had a good boogie down for a while now"

This idea needed little discussion and soon the whole gang were grooving away, except Giles who although had stayed for one glass of brandy had complained the whole way through and finally faked a head ache and gone home. The band were great, they played just the right kind of up beat, no tempo jazz that meant you could dance however the hell you liked and no one would be the wiser, at that present moment Buffy was sandwiched between Willow and Xander shaking on down, the music stopped and the crowd cheered and laughed, the adrenaline was flying tonight, the eccentric lead singer stepped up to the mike and brushed back a green dreadlock to tuck it behind his ear "We're all so glad that you dig our music, but now we wanna slow it down for a while" At this point Buffy became aware of the fact that she was becoming a third or rather seventh wheel rapidly and stepped off the dance floor to sit at their table and watch happily, all the people she loved. After a few songs Buffy began to get restless, the Bronze although ultra cool, was not a well ventilated place and while this wasn't so noticeable when you were flinging about like a loon or just cuddled up with your other-half it became noticeable when you were just sitting. "I'll just step out for some air, they wont even notice for a while" she made one last smile in the direction of Xander who nodded to her before resuming to look into Anya's eyes, and then she slipped out. Buffy reached street level, it was a clear night and fresh, she took a deep cool breath, this was better, she thought as she let the wind blow her hair around her, suddenly a familiar sensation pricked at the back of her neck, something was happening, then she heard the voices, and the grunts of pain and then laughter, it was too hard to tell if vamps were involved but as she drew closer, rounding the alleyway she could sense something, the sight was not one she had expected to see, not a gang of vamps but humans, boys maybe 16, 18 at the oldest, they were stood in a foreboding circle around someone, making crude comments and each taking turns to pummel and thrash in anyway they could think of the person in the middle, she couldn't tell who it was but she couldn't just leave them there, these boys weren't vamps they were bullies and that was just as bad.

"Looks like fun, can I try?"

The boys stopped they all turned, and in one unconscious decision the whole group made a comment about the 'girlie', Buffy moved closer going into battle stance and the boys pounced, Buffy thought briefly how glad she was that it wasn't a normal girl who had come across the gang, god only knows what they would have pulled, they were all high on something Buffy didn't know whether it was drugs or adrenalin or both, but she was gonna kick their asses. As the slayer, she had sworn not to harm humans, and although she thought there must be an acceptation for things like this. she went easy on the boys, just enough to scare them off. She turned to the victim, it was a man, he was face down on the ground presumably unconscious, still hunched in the defensive position. Buffy walked over and slowly rolled him to the face upwards, she stood quickly back. The man was around 5'9, black clothing, pale skin, his hair was curly and wild, sticking to his head with sweat and blood, it was mostly brown, except for the very tips which were bright peroxide blonde.

Spike.

It had been a long time since Buffy had last seen him; even now haunting images flashed their way into her mind, but she shook them off, what was he doing here? Buffy had assumed that when Spike had left town for, he hadn't really come back, there was a brief moment when she had seen him and run but she had assumed he had left gain, well he was either back now, or had been for a long time and they had just never met, which was likely the way that Buffy unintentionally avoided that end of the cemetery. There were, however more important things to consider, although Buffy had never gotten over what Spike had tried to do she couldn't just leave him like that, for one, someone may find him and take him to the hospital which would rise unneeded questions about vampires, and she couldn't forget the fact that Spike had helped her many times, neither could she shake off the image of those boys beating him mercilessly and Spike not being able to defend himself at all, he looked pretty bad. Both eyes were blackened shut and swollen, his mouth bled freely as did the reopened cut on his left eyebrow, and the various other wounds all over his body which had soaked his clothes in blood, one of those boys must have had a knife. It was not really the sight of Spike's injuries that made Buffy feel for him, she'd seen him just as bad and worse before but it was the fact that in his temporary coma there were tears falling slowly from his eyes and across his cheeks to land on the concrete below, she had never seen Spike cry before and hoped to God that she would never have to again. Spike, despite the bad memories he had caused Buffy, had been one of the most influential people in her life, he had made her feel worth something in times when she was lost, he had been there for her, even if it wasn't in the best ways, and he was the strongest person she had ever known, she had seen Spike undergo torture, torment, anguish and heartbreak and never once had he cried. This was too much, if he was in that much pain, Buffy couldn't let herself leave him there.

Buffy had been back into the Bronze and told Xander that she was going on patrol, she didn't want to worry anyone, then she had called Giles, she would rather have eased him into the situation but she needed to get Spike home and she couldn't carry him all that way, Giles had a car and hopefully he would understand, even though she didn't really understand herself.

After a quick and awkward conversation Giles had arrived and Buffy had carried a still unconscious Spike to the car and laid him in the back seat. Buffy and Giles drove in a mutual silence but the tension was extreme Buffy knew he was dying to say something, once they had got home and put Spike in the basement Giles had offered to stay but Buffy declined she knew he wanted to go home to bed, maybe that headache he had was real, he was looking pained "Its ok" she assured him, though she felt she had stepped into the twilight Zone, Giles hesitated at the door, he really wanted to say something "Buffy" he said "yeah?" she turned back Giles started to say something but faulted "just be careful ok?" "I'll be fine" she said confidently "really".

Giles left and Buffy walked back down to the basement with a bowl of cold water and an old cloth, she walked over to the camp bed where she had laid out Spike and chained him up, he was still out cold, Buffy couldn't imagine what had happened to Spike, she was sure this was more than the gang of boys, he had held up against a lot more a hundred times before. She started to clean the blood of Spike's face, it wasn't all fresh she could tell that, some of the blood round his ears and mouth was days old at least Buffy shivered, why would Spike let himself get like this? Or did something do it to him? If so they should all be scared. She continued to clean his face, 'God' she thought as she looked at him, she had to clean up some of the deeper wounds, at least enough so he could start to heal, she pulled up his t-shirt to where a boy had plunged a knife into his torso, it had almost stopped bleeding now but there were other abrasions, just bruises they could have easily been gotten from a fall, but they should have healed by now, Spike was in deep, something was wrong and Buffy wanted to help him she _had _to but she couldn't do anything if she couldn't talk to him. Buffy wrung some water over Spikes face, his eye lids fluttered and he frowned "Spike" she said softly "Spike wake up, come on Spike" he turned his head slightly then started breathing heavily, writhing tears streaming down his face "Spike come on _please_" His eyes shot open so fast that Buffy stepped backwards in shock, she quickly got to her knees to look him in the eyes, she had to make contact, as she did so her mouth fell open, Spike's eyes were amber, flaming, vamperic but as he saw her his face softened then pained again, "Spike for god's sake listen to me, please you have to get a grip if I'm going to help you I need to know what's wrong" Spike's eyes changed, blue again but bloodshot and anguished, he shook his head at her trying to find words "I…..I….Buffy…. _please_" "Spike what the hell is going on here, you're scaring me"

Buffy couldn't get any sense out of him, he was edging on delirious so she left him, she didn't want to spend more time with him than she had to, she was still wary off him, no, she was scared of him, she'd have to wait, as long as it took until he was able to talk to her properly, maybe with someone else there, now the adrenaline had worn off she realised just how scared she was of Spike, she was trembling, she sat in the kitchen drinking coca waiting for the others to get back, she felt alone and vulnerable and cold, Spike was chained up, she knew that, but flashes were streaming through her mind, images she thought she had finally forgotten.

"You WHAT?" Thundered Xander "I'm sorry Buff, you know I always try and see eye to eye with you but come on this is _Spike S-P-I-K-E _William the bloody, killed two slayers and countless humans, tried to kill you, took advantage of you when you were all depressed and tried to…God Buff how could you let him into the house, you'd better give me a stake cos' god help me I'll tear his heart out with my bare hands" Xander was already headed for the basement as he said this, Buffy pulled him back, "XANDER, calm down would you" "calm down? _Calm_…" Buffy cut him off " Xander, you are blowing this up to more than it needs to be, yeah he tried to hurt us a few times but he helped us a lot too, look when I stopped those kids beating him up I didn't know it was him but I couldn't just leave him there simply because it was, he was really hurt Xander and helpless, its my job" "No Buff, no, its not, its your job to help save the human race from vampires, not the other way round, and Spike will never, never be helpless" with this he started towards the basement again and again Buffy held him back, Xander stared at her, his eyes wild, then cold and full of detest, he stormed out "Xander" Buffy pleaded but he was gone. She turned to Willow, "Don't look at me like then Will, please, just try and understand "Buff…" started Willow, "I know" followed Buffy, defeated "I had to help him…" "Its ok Buff, Dawn's staying at Jennifer's I…." "I'll be fine, go home Will I'll talk to you tomorrow" Willow knew she didn't need to say anything else, she hugged Buffy quickly and left, Buffy could take care of herself, but still she couldn't help but worry….

Buffy took a shower and took a small moment to mourn over yet another ruined t-shirt, she dressed in her favourite old pair of jeans and an old sweat top, she couldn't sleep tonight, she went into the kitchen and ate some cold pizza then took the emergency bag of pigs blood from the freezer box, she emptied it into a chipped mug and put it in the microwave, she was on auto pilot, she had done this so many times it felt surrealistically natural, she felt a nostalgic pang for the days when she had done this for Angel, she realised how much she missed being able to just care for some one, and even more having someone to care for her. Dawn had Dax now and was in that stage of life where she didn't want Buffy to help her, Willow had Tara, Xander had Anya and was mad at her anyway, and she, not for the first time in her life felt alone.

She took the blood down to the basement, she was wary of Spike, yeah, but she wouldn't let him starve and to be honest she wanted the company.

Spike was asleep or unconscious on the camp bed, but looked far from peaceful, he was frowning and his hair was dripping with sweat "Spike" Buffy projected into the humid silence, "Spike" she said a little louder, she walked over and put the blood down on the floor, "Spike?" she touched his face, she drew back quickly his face wasn't hot but it felt on fire, "Spike, come on wake up" she picked up the mug and tried to make him drink, he began to cough, his eyes flew open, for a brief moment his whole world stopped as he saw her, and then the pain took him surging through his body, he doubled violently and Buffy shot back as he heaved violently, Spike looked pleadingly at Buffy their eyes locked as he tried to draw unnecessary breath, more to regain his ability to speak than to actually breath, his pupils dilated and again he folded, this time bringing up blood, and collapsed against the bed frame, Buffy stepped forward, her fear was gone and she desperately wanted to help this poor distressed creature. She stopped as the vampire suddenly held up his hand, "….don't…." was all he could manage, it was enough, that one word said everything. "You don't need to help me, you didn't have to save me, you don't have to keep me here, and you don't have to talk to me, and please, please don't forgive me". Buffy's face softened and she stepped forward and took Spikes out stretched hand in her own, she knelt down next to the bed, and handed him the mug in the other hand, that's where they stayed the rest if the night, Buffy just held his hand, she knew that if he were strong enough Spike would have pulled away, not through pride but through shame, he wanted so badly to let her be angry for her to kill him or better yet just leave him to suffer its what he deserved, no, its what _she _deserved…

"Buffy….hey Buffy you here" Xander's voice came from upstairs and startled Buffy awake, she groaned as she moved, she had fallen asleep sort of sideways and upright against the bed frame and her neck was very stiff, she rubbed it and glanced at Spike, he had fallen asleep and she didn't want to wake him, he still looked in pain but his face was much less troubled than it had been, she got slowly up and stole quickly up the stairs, Xander was already angry at her for letting Spike in, if he knew she had been comforting him he'd explode, she nipped into the kitchen and walked across to the hall "Hi" she said to Xander "Hey" he replied, for a moment they just looked at each other, they were both uncomfortable from the argument they had had the night before, then they both spoke at once then laughed nervously, "its ok" Buffy continued "you go first" "Ok" replied the male "Look id like to say I'm sorry Buff, but I cant, I mean I don't like arguing with you much less shouting at you but I really cant, its, well it, he's evil Buff, that's it, he doesn't deserve to live." "That's what he thinks" replied the blonde in a tired voice and turned to walk towards the living room "What?" exclaimed Xander a little more than confused, then it hit him, "you've been talking to him? Its one thing to lock him in the basement, at least we know where he is but come on Buffy you cant talk to guys like him he'll lie to you, the guy is nuts Buffy don't you remember anything? The stalking, the creepy mural of you, the sex-bot" "Its different now" "How the hell is it…" "He's really sick Xander, those kids beat him up real bad and I saved him cos' he's saved me before but god, he's really ill, I mean vampires shouldn't get a fever or cough up blood should they?" "Buffy! I don't know and I don't care cos we kill vamps we don't nurse them, please Buff just kill him" "No" "Then I'll do it" "No, I can't let you" "What the hell is this Buff? I hardly think its pity, so what? You still fancy him? Wanna wait till he gets better so he can screw you up again, in both senses of the word" "how could you even?…just go away Xander please"

A week passed, Buffy looked after Spike as best she could but she had no idea what was wrong with him, Dawn stayed away from the basement she hadn't forgiven Spike for what he had tried to do to her sister, which was made worse by the face that she had never really gotten over her crush on the peroxide blonde vamp. Willow was busy at school and Xander was too mad at Buffy to even talk on the phone. Giles however had been around every day to check on Buffy, he was afraid of the affect that Spike might have on her, he knew that Buffy had a soft spot for the vamp, it was hard to hate someone that loved you that much even if he had tried to hurt her, Buffy had somehow put that out of her mind and was acting as constant nurse and companion to the vampire, who although was healed almost completely now, was still ill, he had bouts of bad fever and seeming fits of madness when he would talk about everything and nothing, and then there were the terrible gripping nightmares, from which Spike woke gasping and crying out in anguish, his cheeks wet with blood filled tears, his body convulsing, this spectacle had frightened Buffy so much the first night it had started (2 days after she had brought Spike home) that she had called Giles at three in the morning to ask his advice, Giles had not really cared in the slightest for the vampire but wanted to sooth his slayer whom seemed frantic, he could give no advice than to try and calm him, and so it started that Buffy would sit by the bedside of the Vampire and speak soothing words to him, hold him gently down to stop him flailing, and wipe the tears from his face until at last she could look into his eyes and let him know that it was ok. Buffy had to admit she had become concerned about Spikes welfare, not just because of their past, he really seemed to need help and Buffy badly wanted to give it to him, Spike seemed different now, softer somehow, even in his raving moments when he would talk of stars and broken feathers and sparks that were burning in him, he seemed so much more….real. When Buffy had started her relationship 2 years ago with Spike she had wanted to feel alive, and going to him was like a dream, he wasn't really a part of her world because he felt so distant from it, now he seemed to be a part of her world.

It was Monday night, Buffy had just got in from patrolling, a large vamp had given her a run for her money and a good blow to the jaw, she was going to take a quick shower (she felt dusty) and fall straight into bed, when she heard it, a soft jarred groaning, "Spike" she thought, this was odd though, normally his nightmares made him scream and shake violently, but now as she descended the basement steps she could hear him, sobbing, it was an uncontrollable raking sob, and he mumbled to himself, Buffy reached the bottom step, she was scared, she had experienced the tears of physical pain on Spikes face before, but this was different it was a deep emotional weeping which gripped her heart, Spike had backed himself into the corner of the room where the bed met the wall, he was curled in a tight ball and rocked himself incessantly, Buffy stopped when she saw him, it was such a wretched sight, William the bloody, Spike, the big bad, some how reduced to this mess. "No…you're wrong. No…yes, I passed. The sky is blue now but it all seems so red….what is it?...heh heh….spark, the spark wont go out…it burns me from the inside, cant see it but feel, no, no, NO!" with this Spike recommenced his sobs burying his head into his knees and covering it with his arms, "oh Spike" Buffy emanated desolately shaking her head, Spike raised his head at the sound of her voice and looked deep into her eyes "slayer?" "Spike please…" Spike brought his hand to his throat and grasped at it franticly and shook his head, his wrists were bleeding where he had pulled the shackles taught, "Spike!" Buffy exclaimed trying to get him to listen to her but he ignored her and grabbed the neck of his t-shirt "It's wrong it shouldn't be like this…" with this he tore his shirt down the middle looking everywhere at once, he clawed at his chest seemingly trying to rip at his heart. "Spike stop it!" Buffy ordered and pulled his hands away from him, she held them until his rocking slowed and he looked at her, his eyes sad and pained "why is it haunting me?" he asked her, Buffy looked deep into his eyes trying to figure him out, he looked so hurt and troubled, so…soulful. It hit her, she stepped back dropping his hands, "Spike what? How did you? Why? No, how? I mean, you have a soul now?" Spike just looked at her, fresh tears falling silently down his face, then he spoke, barely auditable "I'm sorry"

"A soul? You're telling me _that _has a soul?" Xander gawped at Spike, he had come round to see Buffy, he didn't like being mad at her, but this matter had dissolved any arguments that might have rekindled "how do you know? I mean, did he tell you? If he did how are you supposed to believe him?" "Think about it Xander" Buffy replied calmly "Why else would he be like this? He didn't tell me, he didn't need to, I knew there was something different about him…" "Oh come _on _Buffy you're not serious" "Xander. Just look at him" Xander glanced over at the vampire, he was sat silently on his camp bed, not moving at all eyes fixed on nothing, Xander shivered with distaste "I see Spike" "Xander look into his eyes" Spike had looked up when his name was mentioned, he seemed to have only just realised that anyone was in the room with him, his eyes were wide and blue….so blue like a deep lake, 'but hadn't they always been blue?' Xander asked himself, 'yeah but not like that, not swimming with anguish' Xander had only ever noticed anything in Spikes eyes before, that was when Spike had been angry for not telling him that they were resurrecting Buffy. Xander recalled the day, the vampire's face streaked with tears, Xander had told Spike to look into his eyes and he had done, there had been such turmoil there, not knowing weather to love or hate, but they had still seemed glassy, flat somehow, now they were unfathomable

Xander looked back up at Buffy his head a blur, "…how…?" he asked weakly, "I don't know, I really don't, but its killing him".

"Hello? B, you ready to patrol, sorry I've been away for the week, had to, you know, clear my head…B? Helloooo?" Faith had come in, "yeah we're down here" Buffy shouted back up the stairs, they heard Faith close the door and come coolly down the steps, "Hey B, Xan…" she began, then stopped on the bottom step "Spike." She finished with a scowl "uh, yeah, Faith what's going on?" Buffy drew Faith's stare from the vampire it was making them all uncomfortable "what? Nothing just thought you'd want to do a sweep of the grave yard or whatever" "Faith, you disappeared, for a whole week, and you were barley back before that, is this a holiday for you?" "I told you I had to clear my head, sorry, I'll like call next time or whatever, lets go" "Yeah, ok, come on…Xander you'll make sure to lock up when you go? Dawn's staying at Janice's again" "Its ok I'll go home now" Xander gave a nervous glance towards Spike, chipped, souled, chained up- whatever, he wasn't keen on spending any time alone in the house with Spike, especially an insane one.

"So?" Faith began in her cynical tone "what's with the blonde in the basement? You got him all chained up like some captive, I thought he was harmless, or you just go in for that kinky stuff?" Buffy stopped abruptly, she turned to glare at Faith "Where do you come off…" she faltered and restarted in a more level voice "How can you even ….after what…" she closed her eyes drawing in a breath, she looked sickened and swallowed heavily at the apparent memory, she shook it off and walked away. "Oh hey B I'm sorry…B?...Hey stop a minute" At this Buffy slowed and waited for Faith to catch up, when the brunette caught her up, she didn't acknowledge the fact, just kept walking. "B, really I'm sorry, I just forgot you know, this has gotta be hard for you it really must, I mean to keep him down there like in your own house, which is still a mystery to me by the way, you could just dust him or I could…" "Faith! It's ok." Forgave Buffy "But you're right it is hard, no one is killing him though" "Why not B? Doesn't he deserve it?" "No" "Why the hell not? And to the point why the hell is he in your basement?" "He's ill" "Umm…what?" "He's sick or something, I found him getting really beat up by some kids and now he is really ill" "B, a bunch of kids couldn't make a vamp ill one, cos' the wounds heal real fast and two, cos' vampires don't get ill" "Spike is" "Buffy are you off your head or something" Faith had stopped, Buffy with her, each slayers eyes were blazing with emotion, Faith knew her place, she was a slayer and Spike was a vampire, no matter how helpful he had been in the past, or kind he'd been the other night, if he was still a danger to Buffy he needed to be dusting "Why the hell are you letting him stay in your house, stick him in his crypt if you don't want to kill him but I say that its staking time and…" "He has a soul" Buffy cut in quietly and stalked off leaving Faith shocked into silence, she didn't wait the brunette to catch up this time, she didn't fully comprehend the situation herself and didn't want to have to explain it to anyone, let alone Faith, the others would put up with whatever Buffy said even if they didn't like it, they couldn't change it and wouldn't go against her but Faith was a rebel and would flat out dust Spike if she really wanted to, and for some reason, Buffy couldn't figure out, she did.

Buffy stepped up her pace, she wanted to get home, she couldn't tell why but she had a feeling something was happening 'my spidey sense is tingling' she thought and then 'I have to stop listening to Xanders rants…' She was running now, feet pounding and echoing across the empty street, she rounded the corner and flung open the door to her house, she didn't stop to listen for danger but made her way into the kitchen and down the basement steps taking them three at a time. She halted abruptly, the sight that greeted her made her gasp as if winded, her eyes widened and distressed. "Angel!" She breathed painfully. The vampire was tall and dark, she could tell from behind it was Angel, but as she took in the scene she found it hard to believe, Spike was doubled on the camp bed, blood flowing freely from his mouth, his head bruised and cut. As the older vampire heard his name pronounced behind him turned viciously laughing his demon unleashed "Angel?" he jeered incredulously and let out another blast of laughter throwing back his head "_he_'s not home" "A-Angelus" Buffy concluded fear in her voice, the memories of this man, this fiend made her blood run cold, he was the one thing she couldn't face, and she was almost cornered in that small, hard room, she glanced quickly to her sides looking franticly for sanctuary, the monster laughed again "don't worry my dearest I didn't come here to catch up on old times, though I would relish the feeling of you in my arms, whilst I drain you, I would rather see how you deal with this sap of a rank vacant child, its sickening is it not?" With this he took Spike by the hair and turned his eyes to meet his own "boy? My childe, won't you speak?" When Spike did not, he pushed the blonde's head back viciously, Buffy winced as this happened but found herself unable to move, Angelus stepped towards her threateningly and Buffy's body jolted and reacted completely involuntarily as she jumped to her right, nearer Spike but away from the older Vamp who chuckled cruelly and exited swiftly up the stairs, Buffy's eyes followed him unblinking until he had gone and as she heard the front door slam, a tear rolled silently down her face, she shivered, she blinked slowly and broke down into raking sobs, as her body surrendered its control to Buffy again her legs gave way and she crumpled slowly to the floor, horror and relief washing over her, before she hit the ground Spike's arms surrounded her and brought her close to him, she was too overwhelmed to feel wary of him anymore, and it felt safer , she turned her head into his chest as he lowered them to the floor slowly. Spike drew the girl into his body and held her protectively; he licked his lips carefully to ensure the slayer wouldn't get blood in her hair, then rested his chin on her head and rocked her slowly as the sobbing violently overtook her body, in Spike's clouded mind there was a moment of pure clarity, this girl was everything, he'd never deserved it but she protected him, and she protected the world but right now she needed protecting, so he held her and tried to sooth her as best he could, for the moment his mind was lucid he prayed it would stay that way.

Buffy woke her eyes stinging and her neck stiff, she sighed; yet again she had fallen asleep in the basement, this was getting too much of a habit, then she realised something else, she was warm and…in Spike's arms, she pulled quickly away and turned, still on the floor her eyes wide, Spike looked at her slightly surprised, then looked apologetically away "I, I'm sorry" he muttered softly his eyes still averted his head hung. Then everything came flooding back to Buffy, her conversation with Faith then the smell of the rain as her rapid footsteps resonated on the empty street, her rush to the basement steps then…Angelus, her heart beat in her throat, terror, alarm, loss of self control, then Spike, his arms, solace, safety. A lone tear fell from Buffy's cheek to the cold floor, the vampires head shot up as if he had heard it hit the ground with the impact of a plane, his eyes pained and shining, he was torn, desperately wanting to hold her yet knew he was bound both by his chains and by respect for her wishes, the fear of him in her eyes.

Buffy couldn't look at Spike, but in looking else where the basement brought the memories of her fears of Angelus the night before to the front of her mind, she closed her eyes tight and swallowed trying to banish everything from her thoughts, she turned blindly from Spike and then opening her eyes dashed up the stairs and away from that terrible oubliette the door slammed behind her, Spike winced at this, not so much the noise but the fact that it emanated all the feelings that Buffy had about the previous evening, and he knew none of them were good, she had been so afraid it had scared him, and then this morning she saw fear in her eyes again, fear of him. Spike held his head in his hands and he rested on the edge of the cot. _That was fine she had every right to be scared of him, I had expected her to be, she should never even have brought me here in the first place, I knew that- know that, I should never ever be forgiven for what I tried to do. Ever. _This is what he told himself yet last night had made him feel raw, his feelings for Buffy renewed tenfold, when he had been apart from her for almost three years it was easier to tell himself he didn't need her, but now, when she had been so kind to him and she was just so beautiful, and he had held her all night long, watched her sleep, calmed her nightmares, like she had done for him, his heart had sung, he had wanted to cry, then the morning, and she had looked so afraid of him again and all his boyish hopes were shattered, like a fist through glass, his heart had almost broken. _Never get your hopes up, not when you know more than anything that she can never love you and you know you deserve nothing. _Spike sighed and swallowed, then frowned, apart from the feeling that his heart was choking him, he felt fine, his head was clear and painless, his stomach settled, his jaw ached dully but then, it had been broken by his sire the night before, realisation hit him full in the chest. She must have forgiven him. But how? She didn't know about his moment with Faith, was it beyond that? He knew it was, in her moment of utter need Spike had been there, in that moment for a second she had forgotten his sins and forgiven him because he was there and he was there entirely for her and he had made things better, for a moment it was OK. That moment had passed, Spike knew that, but it had cured him, he felt…miserable, it was horrible, it was like his curse had taken advantage of her, it wasn't right, that wasn't forgiveness, and she still had no idea what he had done with Faith, it was so unfair he thought, he didn't want her forgiveness when she was weak, she couldn't help it, she deserved to hate him with the fires of hell and he wanted that for her and it was lost, he wanted to suffer for his wrongs for her to have a solace in his suffering, but then, she never was like that. Spike wanted to talk to her, tell her that she should torture him if she wanted do anything, take it back, tell her…everything. He stood up, he knew he would have to wait, a long time probably until Buffy would come down to him, anything she wanted was fine by him, but, he realised, he was really, really board. He walked forward and to the sides to see how far his chains would allow him to venture across the room, he couldn't reach anything except the bed. He growled agitatedly and ran his fingers through his hair, it was getting quite long now, he was wondering whether to grow a pony tail, when the basement door swung open, his eyes widened and he quickly sat back down, he didn't want to seem intimidating in any way, as soon as he had done so though he realised that it was not Buffy but some one else, he waited, but couldn't tell by the first boot that came into view, the scent of the person was masked by the smell of warm pigs blood, then the familiarity managed to trigger in his mind. The Watcher. Giles reached the bottom of the step and Spike looked up friendlily into his eyes, he actually admired the man and wanted to try and calm his furrowed brow. "Hello Rupert" Spike emulated softly, giving a withdrawn half smile, the man's eyebrows knotted further together. Giles had been down a few times to see Spike in the last few weeks and had never enjoyed the experience, the vampire had always been too injured or too delirious to even acknowledge his existence, which was fine because all Giles wanted to do was make sure Spike was not becoming dangerous to Buffy in anyway but it had been unnerving. He cautiously handed the vampire the mug of blood he had brought down for him in place of Buffy who he had sent to bed, his frown was sustained as Spike timidly took the mug; his head bowed and thanked him for it, then seeing Giles' obvious displeasure, set the mug carefully aside so as the smell wafting over Giles, subsided, he was in most minds to leave quickly but something worried him about Spike's sudden calmness so he took a deep breath and tried to organise his thoughts and decide on what he could possibly say, before he was too far into his train of thought it was interrupted "I'm, I'm sorry" voiced the vampire, his eyes not meeting his own: "e-excuse me?" Giles asked somewhat confused. "I'm sorry" Spike repeated, this time his voice was stronger and he looked Giles in the eyes. "What do you want?" Giles asked coldly, he did not trust the vampire "nothing. I want…I want nothing" Spike hung his head again, and for a brief moment Giles knew what he meant and that he really did mean it, Spike didn't want anything, not pity or asylum and least of all forgiveness. Giles removed his glasses and cleaned them with his shirt "Why are you here Spike?" he enquired flatly, the vampire raised his head and looked at Giles with confused eyes, he frowned then dropped his eyes, he began to speak his voice trembling but gave up, he tried again this time his voice filled with passion and self-loathing "I don't bleeding know do I? I mean I didn't ask for her to save me and bring me here, I just wanted to show her that she didn't need to be afraid anymore but she was so I kept my distance, every day I died a little bit more and now I'm here and she was my savoir but she didn't deserve any of this, she didn't deserve it…" Spike was ranting angrily, more to himself than to Giles, he regained his focus and seemed to notice that Giles was still listening he stopped mid sentence gasping for unneeded air, he threw his head back, brow furrowed with emotion and pain, his heaving body stilled and he calmly brought his head down to look Giles in the eyes and said with complete gravity "she cant kill me, but you can" and added unconsciously "please" the vampire hung his head in defeat when he realised the Watcher would not do it, he wouldn't go against his slayers wishes, he clasped his forehead in his hands and gripped at his hair, he stayed in that position and was still in it when Giles left, the Watcher suspected that he stayed like that a good while longer, and had come to the conclusion that although he still did not like the vampire, he could sympathise with him, he saw all his anguish and pain. Spike had been an emotional being before he had received his soul, now he was a stormy tempest.

Giles walked through to the living room and sat himself opposite Buffy she looked up at him, her eyes red and swollen, the encounter with Angelus had been the last thing in a long line of dramas that Buffy had recently gone through that had pushed her over the edge, she regained her composure and waited until she was able to ask Giles how Spike was doing. "He is a troubled man" Buffy frowned at Giles, something big must have happened, first of all the man was sympathising with a guy he hated and he had called him a man, Spike had somehow earned that title, she was going to ask what had happened but Giles had read her look, "He" began the man struggling, there was only one way to say this though "he wanted me to kill him" Giles pinched the bridge of his nose, this was a difficult situation and his new found respect for the bleached vampire was not helping his perspective on things.

The next few days were confusing, to Spike time seemed incredibly slow yet the daily visits that Giles was paying him seemed to come often, Spike sighed, it wasn't that he wasn't grateful to the watcher, he appreciated the company, and it was nice to have a man, an English man at that, to talk to, but he was worried about Buffy. It wasn't fair, he could feel her presence in the house, could tell by her sent and footfalls exactly where she was, always knew what she was feeling. The last days she had been so withdrawn it broke his heart, this was his slayer, she had always been so quippy and strong, but now she was failing he could tell and it was his fault, she had been fine before she had brought him here, he was sure of it, and now he was making her uncomfortable and it really wasn't fair. It was all his fault. He had been the one to fall for her, he had stalked her and become obsessed, he had broken his promise to protect Dawn for her, he had taken advantage of her pain when she had returned, he had hurt her and he had betrayed her, and now he was in her care, the very thing that he deserved least of all in the world. Yet she hadn't come near him lately, he could feel her tense up as she passed the basement door and knew that she avoided the back door now, she even didn't come down wash her clothes anymore, no one came down to see him except Giles.

"Why do you come down here watcher?"

The question had surprised Giles, Spike had been seemingly very deep in his thoughts, enough so to let the mug of blood sit untouched and cooling rapidly, the vampire had never really held any conversation with Giles, only briefly answering any questions the watcher asked him, he was clearly shamed about showing his emotions to Giles the other day. That day had been both Spike's downfall and his salvation, Spike had let himself down, he worked hard to keep his feelings unknown to those around him, they would always open doors he didn't like, people who saw the real Spike were privileged, Giles was one of these, he had seen a man that day, the real heart and the soul of the vampire, it was a brief glimpse, but was imprinted on his mind, he wanted to give Spike a chance to be that man, if he would only open up to the world around him….but Giles realised he hadn't answered the vampire who had gone back to staring at a blank spot on the wall.

"We can't let you starve"

Giles replied shortly, he did not want to give himself away easily; he still didn't fully trust the vamp, even if he was beginning to understand him. Giles knew that wasn't a sufficient answer, but he walked quickly away and up the stairs after this comment, he knew Spike would be able to read him if he stayed any longer. The vampire had an uncanny way of seeing through everyone he met, that is one of the reasons people were so wary of him, he could see them without the masks they displayed to the world, it was also the reason, Giles suspected, that his slayer had such a hard time turning this vampire away.

The next week was incredibly lonely for Spike, even Giles had stopped visiting, yet again he had scared a potential friend away by being able to see their true selves, it wasn't his fault, he had just never understood why other people fell for the acts that the others around them put on, maybe they didn't want to see, maybe it was easier not to know, just to believe what you were told.

Xander had been silently serving Spike's blood over the last week, the dark haired man was so cold and emitted so much hate towards Spike, it had made him feel more lonely than ever, he had always traded insults with the boy but had secretly always liked him, Xander was the only person Spike knew that was really himself, he never put up barriers for others to break down or be fooled by, and now his hate for Spike was real, but come to think of it, in the circumstance, had their boots been switched Spike would hate him too.

Spike woke sweating and shivering his wrists were sore where he had unconsciously pulled on his chains during his nightmare, he sat up. The house was deadly quiet, he couldn't sense anyone, he was alone. Alone. He couldn't face it anymore, being alone on his own was fine but being surrounded most of the time by people he cared about and still being left alone it was too much, Spike slipped, or more accurately, crashed into his game face, enough he couldn't stand this any longer, he didn't want to keep hurting her and he didn't want to be here, the demon let lose, he leapt from the bed and in a rage pulled on his chains, they held fast against his wrists but he strained, every muscle in his body, every fibre in his being focused on those shackles, the metal binding his wrists groaned and then gave, the vampire cried out as he was let free, the blood gushed freely from the deep wounds where the shackles had bourn into him, he clenched his fists and staggered up the stairs of the basement, and crashed out of the back door and into the cold rain driven night. He stood in the back yard and looked up into the rain, he let it wash over him, cleansing his wounds and washing away the evidence of his blood from the ground, the water filled his eyes and mixed with his tears, he felt, everything, too much of everything, he could never make it right, and for the first time ever in his undead life Spike did what he would have once thought unconceivable, he ran away.

Spike woke much later, slumped against the wall in the same ally way that Buffy had found him in that night, briefly he wondered if it had all been a dream, his jaw ached and he could tell his head and eyes were bruised, but no, those marks were distinctively from Angelus, his Sire's blows had always hurt in a different way to other wounds, more profoundly, and now they even weighed on his soul. Spike felt the dull familiarity of the headache, which shot blindingly to his temples when he looked around, a hangover, not the chip he realised, he really had drunk more last night than he ever had, spent everything, his entire stash gone, to be honest he didn't care. He didn't really care about anything anymore, except her, that's why he had done it, he'd wanted to get so drunk that he'd forget everything, or just never wake up….wishful thinking. At least he had pain now, that, he knew he deserved.

Spike considered just going to sleep there and waiting for the sun to rise, he missed the sun rise, the beauty of it, so mysterious and mesmerising, it had been the subject of more than one of his poems back when, the death would be a bonus. No. He couldn't do that, when he was really honest he was too scared, and beyond that he didn't want to get away so easily, wanted to suffer and….suffer. That was it. The idea struck him like a freight train, if there was one person who could always make him suffer he knew who, and it just so happened he was back….Angelus.

Spike sneered and pushed himself to his feet, a short walk got him to the blacked out DeSoto, and he began to drive, LA, that was where he would go, find the sod of a sire and receive the torture he believed he deserved. Spike had barely driven a mile down the road when he felt a pull at his heart, the hairs in the back of his neck prickled, he slowed to an almost halt then smelt it, a faint haze on the breeze, it smelt old, and familiar, like family, like his Sire. There was still an hour or so of dark left, and Spike began to run as he left his car on the sidewalk, fear began to creep at the back of his neck as he felt himself draw closer to his sire, he rounded a corner and saw him. A broad shouldered figure, silhouetted under the street lamp against which he was leant, "Angelus" Spike cried into the night, the figure turned quickly his face angry…then somehow puzzled "Spike?" it questioned towards the younger vampire, _Oh great_ Spike thought _I come looking for a monster and get peaches _Spike's mind blazed "Where is he you pillock?" he yelled at Angel "Where's my sire?". "Spike" Angel's voice was level and he held his hand out in a calming manner as he advanced cautiously towards him "I'm right here, what's the matter? What have you done?" "YOU?" Spike bellowed incredulously "You are not him, I want _him_, need _him_, you're just…just…." Spike trailed off not knowing what else to say his mind racing, he hadn't betted on the larger vamp's soul being restored so quickly. "Spike what did you do?" Angel looked straight into the burning blue eyes, he could tell there was something incredibly wrong, he had thought that Spike had left the country, assumed he'd gone back to England, he hadn't seen him in over three years, yet in a flash he remembered seeing him the other night tied up, vulnerable, taking his demon's punches without any resistance, then he was hurtled back to the present, he froze. Something was very wrong. He didn't like the fact that he had tortured Spike but he liked it even less that the vampire had just taken it, that all his fight was gone, that he was locked up in Buffy's basement in the first place, that he was screaming for Angelus to come back and finish the job, and now as he looked into Spike's eyes, that he had a soul.

"Oh William…." Angel felt for this boy, he knew the burden of a soul, saw all the pain in the blue eyes, like shattered ice, he knew that pain, but he also knew that Spike had a lot more to reckon with, he remembered Spike's love of the fight, the messy kill, but also the recent things that he had been unable to stop himself doing, things that made his own undead heart want to kill Spike for trying to hurt Buffy and to hold him knowing why he'd done them. "Shut the hell up poofter, _you _don't get to call me that" "Spike listen to me…" Angel was cut off by a blow to his jaw, and Spike's voice harsh and thick "You are just a whipped little soul boy, let it strangle you, didn't you, you don't even have his wits do you? If you did you'd kill me, just think, you know what I've done, that I tried to have my sodding way with her, bitch bloody stopped me…" "Spike. It won't work" Angel cut the raving blonde off, "Fuck you peaches you're just weak…" "I Know what you're trying to do but it wont work, I'm not going to kill you, I can smell the soul on you" "Doesn't change what I did though does it? Doesn't change…" "It changes everything Spike, you didn't mean to hurt Buffy in the first place, but now you have penance for those actions, you have ways and means to make it up to her…" "NO! no, she can't forgive me, she can't. Not ever" Angel knew this was a plea more than a statement of the slayer's frame of mind "Spike…" Angel didn't know what to say, but as he looked up he knew words would be useless, tears were staining his childes face, washing blood days old from his cheeks. Spike turned away, he knew Angel wouldn't hurt him, not like he wanted, he'd do it himself if he had too, he ran, stumbling as he went from the alleyway, didn't know where he was headed and couldn't see through the furious stream of tears but he kept going. Angel watched nervously as Spike ran from him, he couldn't leave him like this, he remembered the shock of the feelings a soul could bring the blinding guilt and horror, the intense desire for penance, he went a different way, darting down the ally to his left hoping to cut Spike off, he almost caught him on the outskirts of the town, but Spike was fast, Angel yelled after him, to no avail, he tried to speed up, the sun was rising. He caught Spike as they hit the woods, crashing into him and jumping quickly up to haul him into a nearby Church. Not the most desirable hiding spot but the only place close at hand.

Spike was thrown to the floor landing hard on his shoulder, he welcomed the pain, he let out his demon and lunged at Angel from his place on the cold slabs, slamming into his legs and sending them both sprawling across the flagstones. Angel heaved the other vampire off him, sliding him back the way he came and grabbing a silk handkerchief from his jacket wrapped his hand and quickly picked up a nearby crucifix, warning Spike to stay grounded. For a moment Angel thought that was it and he would be able to talk to Spike, forcibly perhaps but needed, in a flash the younger vampire levered himself off the floor and grabbed the cross in both his hands, smoking immediately, Angel made a sound somewhere between a gasp and a growl shocked at the boy's intense desire for pain, and snatched the article away from burning flesh flinging it behind him. He took Spike's lapels in his hands and hauled him into the vestry, "The suns coming up, we have to stay in here or we'll be fried" Angel snarled as if speaking to a disobedient child, the blonde struggled against his grip for a while but eventually gave up letting his body hang loose and his face return to its human form, Angel sighed unnecessarily in relief and pushed Spike down onto a bench and took a place on the one opposite. They sat like that for a good long while, _if we're going to be here all day _Angel thought _we might as well talk and he'll be forced to listen _The larger vampire took a deep breath and tried to think of something to say when he looked up, Spike's head was hung, his shoulders hunched, silent tears were slipping down his face. The sight was so different from the angry violent tears he had witnessed the night before, they were just tears, as if Spike hardly knew they were there at all, his reacquired soul working overtime. Angel frowned his eyes growing dark and troubled, in their glory days Angelus had seen spike cry a few times, and had mostly been the cause of those, but that was real physical pain, then a few years back when Drusilla had dumped him, and then again when Spike had returned to Sunny D, drunk out of his twisted little head none of that had ever really affected Angel, this however was different, something was entirely wrong and his own soul couldn't bare seeing his boy so hurt, _he _couldn't bare it.

"Spike…"

Angel began softly, only just loud enough for those with vampiric hearing to pick up, but then realised that there was nothing he could possibly say, he didn't know what the hell could be the matter but he knew all too well that few things could be fixed with words, he paused and looked at the crying child for a moment, then leaned forward and placed a deliberate hand on Spike's shoulder, the blonde flinched a little, but Angel held on until the younger vamp folded and crumpled forward, falling from the bench to kneel at the older vamp's feet, his head resting on Angel's knees. They sat like that for a long while each wrapped in their own thoughts, Angels hand never releasing its reassuring grip on his childe's shoulder. Suddenly Spike let out a short frustrated sigh and brought his head slowly up to meet Angel's waiting eyes with his own red streaked ones. Spike's hands were resting on Angel's shoes but he slowly now brought one up to touch the older vampires fist, Angel hadn't even realised that he had been tense enough to be making a fist but he was non the less. Angel frowned,

"Please…please Angel, I deserve it"

Spike was begging for torture, wanting Angel to beat him to a bloody pulp. The thought make Angel sick to the stomach, he couldn't deal with this and his anger began to flare, he stood quickly knocking Spike back against the opposite bench, he strode out into the now darkening church then spun to face the surprised face of the slightly-blonde vampire.

"What the hell is wrong with you huh?"

Angel's words were as cutting and harsh at the look he was wearing

"Actually, I don't know what's wrong with you and frankly I don't care, but whatever it is I know it isn't worth you trying to get yourself hurt for, do you understand me? I didn't teach you to fight for nothing you know…."

The looming brunette was raving now

"Spike, listen to me would you? You are acting like a coward running away from what you cant face and that isn't you so just wise the fuck up ok?"

Angel growled and spun around breaking his fierce eye contact with Spike,

"I'm going for some air"

With this he stalked out into the night leaving Spike alone, he knew Angel hadn't gone far, and on another day he might have found the last statement ironic, but his mind was everywhere, his sire's words bouncing off the inside of his skull,

"….I didn't teach you to fight for nothing…you're a coward….what you can't face…"

That's when it hit him, Angel was right, this wasn't his Sire's battle it was Spike's he would have to find his own redemption.

It was all so easy all along, Spike's mind calmed with clarity as he divested himself of his duster and shirt, he walked languidly through the church the world swimming, he stopped when he reached the font and stared down into the empty water…_where am I? I'm not of this world, this is why I cannot exist in hers, who am I? I am the redeemer…I am…I have to be-_

With this Spike closed his eyes, and plunged is hands into the depths of the font.

"Spike? Oh shit Spike what the fu…..oh God"

Angel had been stood outside the church sitting on a headstone when the sense hit him, something was going on, he was at the door when the scent hit him. Flesh, rotting, burning, boiling. He flung himself at Spike and pulled him backwards, swiftly but carefully avoiding splashes, he flung the blonde around and held forcefully him by the shoulders, he spoke venomously,

"What in the name of Lucifer do you think you are doing?"

Spike looked absently down at his hands then back up, the skin was blistered and blackened to the elbows, Angel swallowed hard, trying desperately not to bring up the blood in his stomach, it wasn't so much the sight but the smell that made him nauseous, and the fact that Spike had done this to himself that was the clincher.

Angel regained his composure and then softened his face and his grip, as well as his voice,

"Spike…please, you have to, you have to tell me, I need to understand…why, uh what," he sighed achingly "What's hurting you?"

Angel's diverted eyes snapped up when he heard the younger vampire chuckle sardonically, his brows furrowed questioningly and he tired to speak but was cut off by the apparently angered vampire before him.

"Oh shame, shame, Angelus you of all people should know better,"

"Don't call me that" the larger vampire snapped back then cursed himself silently for stopping Spike from talking, he hoped if he let Spike rant enough then he may eventually learn the truth, but now he felt the pressure of silence and Spike's seething eyes upon him. "Spike, I know the weight a soul can bring but you can't just…"

"Soul? I wasn't talking about the bloody soul, that I got myself, my own fault, but I didn't ask for the rest did I didn't ask for this…" Spike clapped a hand over his heart, covering also the many deep self-inflicted cuts that should have healed long ago.

Angel knew, he couldn't believe that it hadn't hit him in the first place, Spike's predominant emotion, the one with which he lived his life by, love. Angel knew full well loving Buffy was a hard thing, but putting himself in Spike's shoes seemed a lot worse, knowing what he had done to Buffy, what she had done to him, used him, she had told Spike It was killing her, but god, he knew it was killing Spike long before any of them, of course it was, Spike thrived on love, it didn't need to be based on anything like it did for Angel, trust and fear were never and issue, just raw blinding emotion- and like a fool Spike had taken whatever he could get from Buffy, wanting to help her more than himself, Angel knew it would hurt him, knowing that she would always leave, never really be his. What was it Spike had told him he'd said to Riley that once "To be that close to her and never have her". It made Angel angry, as much as he often hated to admit it, he knew Spike well, and he knew that it took a lot to get him to like you, for him to love you was a very rare thing indeed, it wasn't often that you found that type of love, it was raw and real and ruthless, the kind that meant when he said he would die for you he really meant it, without any backwards glances, even if he knew you wouldn't even thank him for it if you got the chance, it was a waste.

In that instant Angel had another thought, about Spike's soul, they always came with a price, not just trials he realised but a condition, like his own 'happiness clause', he figured that Spike's clause wouldn't be to take the soul away, that would be too easy, it would kill Spike too fast, or make him kill himself at any rate, and if there is anything he knew about demons with a redemption fetish it was that they liked to make you pay.

"What was it?" Angel quickly asked, Spike looked up, eyes glassy and hard

"What?"

"The condition of your soul, you say it's not about that but I really think it has a lot to do with it, I mean you got it for _her_ didn't you?"

Spike's eyes flashed with some unrecognisable emotion at the mention of Buffy, then returned to the glossed look, boring a hole through Angel, not even registering he was there, then the ice melted the change began in slow motion but as soon as Angel detected it the world seemed to gush, Spike's tears began to fall again and he crumpled to his knees, his head rested on them and grinding into the denim with his eyes, then through a sob, breaking and barely audible Angel heard Spike,

"How could she forgive me?"

Spike couldn't do this anymore, cry for his sire, cry for anyone but her, least of all himself, his rage over his own actions built up from with in and he let it shatter, riding the wave and breaking into his game face, he whirled up and onto his feat made a break for it, he didn't look back once, he didn't even know whether Angel was following him and didn't much care, he just needed to keep running until he was alone and in the dark, asking it to swallow him, and think about how he could possibly make it up to Buffy, a girl who didn't care about him at all and was likely scared of him, by apologising for getting involved with another someone she dislikes, more importantly for letting himself forget if only for a second and…and…but there was no way she should ever forgive him for any of it, and here he was running full tilt down the wet road trying to figure out some act of redemption? Yeah right.

Spike saw the headlights before he heard the car, his ears were pounding with the sound of his own thoughts and borrowed blood, the horn blared as the car closed the gap between his own ridged form and the road beyond, it swerved and the driver yelled some abuse at Spike snapping him out of his trance, he swore, for a moment he really thought he could die then, and god that would be so much easier, but then that too would be unfair on her, she would never know, and that thought was worse than any torment hell could offer him.

"Get the fuck out of the road you idiot"

Spike turned growling savagely, _so the sire did follow me_

"how bout you get the fuck outta my face?" the blonde retorted.

"No"

It pissed Spike off how Angel could sound so calm all the time,

"_No?_" he asked incredulously

"No" the brunette levelled back, it wasn't calm, Spike couldn't believe he'd forgotten how much Angel could hide under that cool exterior of his, the word dripped with acid and distaste,

"I'm not going to let you do this to yourself"

"Why the hell not"

"because you're my childe, and I can't sit by and watch you try and get your self killed-"

"You're my sire, yeah right, that means jack shit and you know it peaches so just back off"

"No I wont- if you die its because I kill you- no other way"

"Oh, bit o the old Angelus showing through now is it? You play coy all this time acting like some good Samaritan when all the time you just wanted to taste my dust? Well taste this soulboy" Spike gave the larger man the one finger salute and turned to go "This is my fight Angel, don't get yourself involved, you could wind up getting hurt"

Spike smirked as he stalked off, nothing beat the pleasure of getting one over on Angel, after all this time he prided himself in the fact that he could really get under his skin…

Angel landed full on Spike's back sending him flying face first towards the tarmac below, he hit, hard, and everything went black.


End file.
